You can only go so long in life before your procrastination pisses you off so much you can’t stand it for another moment. Last night I learned something about myself I never knew. It confirmed everything I did know about myself, but gave me permission to accept, then reject the notion. You see, I know I am a high achiever and have done some really great things in my life. I also know that if something isn’t me I won’t do it. But what happens when it IS you, the thing you desire to do, and so you go ahead and neglect it so much you starve it to near death? Do you know what I am talking about?
Well we all make excuses like we don’t have the time to do what we long to do. In all fairness, we are all busy trying to make ends meet and keeping up with relationships and all the other responsibilities in life, that it makes sense we reject the things we really long to do, because it is a luxury to do what we love. WELL BAHHHH! What are we doing to ourselves?
Many years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, along with that disorder comes panic and a lot of other feelings to fight off. Yep, there you have it. Life was hard for a very long time, and so I got used to just pushing myself onward and basically fought hard to not be a victim, but a warrior. It made my personality bend in a tough way, warriors fight their way out of dark times. I was really hurting, and yet did all I could to make life better for other people, which made me feel better. The more I helped people, the better I felt inside, and so I kept pouring myself out. The problem was, even though I managed to do many things I loved, such as sing in bands, create my own handmade jewelry business, run a community theater group, work two great jobs in the art world, one for 7 years part time, and the other almost 6 years, I still hadn’t even come close to using even half my hearts passion for my own life.
Then yesterday a friend and neighbor and I had a brief conversation in which he told me about an old lover in his life. He told me how beautiful and talented she was, but that every time she got close to making it she would drop what she was doing and run. She could never take the final step that would teeter her over into real success with her art. As soon as he shared her story with me, and told me why she did it, I knew it was just like me.
In that moment my eyes were wide open, my heart wider still, and I realized that now that I could put my finger on it, I would never allow it to define me again. I know what doctors can say about a person. We only go to them when we are sick and at our wits end, they see us there, and diagnose us. Sometimes that diagnosis becomes a life sentence. Well I’m a big believer in healing, and healing means you are over being sick, and with hard work you can get there. I’ve done the hard work to heal. Now it’s just about dropping the bad habits. Should the shadow of my past ever pass over me again, which I am sure it will, I will know it is just passing over and not here to stay.
So you know what? I am going to make the time to draw and paint, write music, sing again, even if just in my apartment. I’m going to let it flow.
Yesterday I put this picture out on Facebook that I did in 1982, and I got 2 job offers for commission work from it. Then later I had that conversation with my neighbor.
Here’s a couple of more old works of art.
This one I never finished, but it poured out of me around 5 or 6 years ago on an artists retreat in Florida. I was really worried about one of my daughters, and my heart was broken. I imaged her as a little baby in my arms, me shielding her from all the pain and hurt in the world. She was all grown up and out of my hands. While I was furiously painting I saw an angel in the paint and tried to bring it out. This process moved so fast and yet keep changing and took hours of over painting until all my anxiety wore me out and I just stopped. I intended to finish the painting so you could actually see what was in my minds eye, but never did. It hangs on my wall to remind me of how precious our children are and how powerful that process was for me. I remember I wanted to burst into tears when I got to this point and put my brush down and went for a long walk. On my way back to the studio I saw another building open on the campus with a piano in it and no one was in there, so I went in and played it for at least an hour with my George Winston type music I make up. I went back to finish the painting, but it was gone from my soul and I moved onto another painting.
This one was done right after the album came out I guess in 1982. It seems for a while, after losing all my art in a fire, I did try to re-group, although the pain of losing everything I had in that fire made it painful to do art. I still went to college for it and then music took over, life took over, and I started my family very young.
This one is HUGE!!! I woke up last year on New Years Day having made it through a very difficult couple of years and was determined to change my life for the better. I woke up, took a selfie, threw charcoal on the canvas, nailed it to the wall held up my cell phone and went to town. 8 hours later I had this, not perfect, always wanted to fix the problems but decided not too. It was so much fun I thought I was on a roll to paint. I did a couple of more, included Einstein, which is in an earlier blog, but then my anxiety got the best of me. I started over- thinking and sabotaged myself. Well, today is a new day!
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The Sarah Hale Folger Project seeks to inspire greatness in humanity by sharing inspiring stories with the world. Please contact me through my website atÂ http://www.SarahHaleFolger.com
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